You just made me feel so damn special
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
