so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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