Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
