you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
