We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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