I swear she didn't look like that last week.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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