i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
