She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
