Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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