Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
