is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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