Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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