ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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