connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
