Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
