My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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