I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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