so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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