just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
and she was petting her beer can
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
