I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
as a side note pls kill me
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
