We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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