i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
