I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
