You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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