ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
