I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
