Got a toothbrush?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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