FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
