I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Sober January is a disaster.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
