if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
