i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's blow job season.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
