Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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