You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
