I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
