I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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