butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
