so explain again why im purple
no
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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