your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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