Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
