I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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