put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
