Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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