my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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