I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize