why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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