Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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