i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
