I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
