i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
