omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
