the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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