So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
