so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize