There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
