I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
This beer is not sobering me up at all
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
