i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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